Friday, July 01, 2005

No good deed goes unpunished

As some of you already know, I volunteer as a mentor for a 10 year-old girl. With issues.

Tonight, I agreed to take my mentee to see Herbie: Fully Loaded.

Driving in the car, on the way, we have the following conversation. Names have been changed to protect the obnoxious.

Tiny She-Bitch: Do you think you're EVER going to get married?
FJ: I don't know. Maybe. But not for a long, long time, Tiny She-Bitch.
Tiny She-Bitch: Why?
FJ: Because I don't want to right now.
Tiny She-Bitch: Well, I think you better get married soon. While you still can.
FJ: Is that right?
Tiny She-Bitch: Yeah. You have to get married before you're done with your 30s, or you really won't be able to.
FJ: Oh. Thanks for the heads up.
Tiny She-Bitch: Plus, once you're 40, you can't have babies.
FJ: What if I don't WANT to have babies, Tiny She-Bitch?
Tiny She-Bitch: Well, if you want to die alone and let your family die out, that's your business.*
FJ: Yeah. I guess that IS my business, isn't it.

Then later, at the theater waiting for them to let us in, we wasted time in the arcade area. Tiny She-Bitch insisted that we both put a quarter in this cheesy palm-reading machine. She did hers first, then I did mine. When I was done she looked at it and said. "Huh. Yours isn't really as good as mine."

So, I did what any one of you would've done.

I kicked her ass at air-hockey.

Seriously, I annihilated her. No mercy.

At one point, she looked like she was going to cry, and whined that I was too hard on her. She then insisted that I continue playing only with my left hand. I gladly agreed, and proceeded to humiliate her, 7-0. Left-handed even.

Sure, I got some dirty looks from a couple little old ladies sitting nearby. But, if they only knew the kid, they'd understand. I only did what I had to do.

Surprisingly enough....I didn't hate the movie itself. Tom Lennon of Reno 911 wrote it, and the cast was great. And I had forgotten how much I used to love the Herbie movies when I was little. It was very nostalgic. Even though I was sitting with a kid who started bawling when Herbie got taken away from Lindsay Lohan, and made intentional, audible "GULP"ing sounds during EVERY Herbie race.

Honestly, if they could just bottle this kid up, it'd be the most effective birth-control in the world.

*I am NOT making this up. Those words actually came out of a 10 year old girl's mouth. I couldn't believe it either.


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