Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Hey, careful, man, there's a beverage here!

(Alternately titled "The post I'm going to hell for writing.")

First off....take a look at my new Nalgene:

I have a bigger, normal looking one, but lately I've been feeling the need for a smaller one for short trips, activities, whatnot. So, this made sense. It's the right size, PLUS by buying it, I helped support breast cancer research. Can't beat that.

OK, but now look at it again.

Is it just me, or is this Nalgene vaguely reminiscent of a baby bottle? The shape, the baby pink color scheme, the rounded and notched plastic cap on top.

I can't stop thinking about it. It LOOKS like a baby bottle to me.

Therefore, when I look at it, it seems like there should be a nipple there on top. But there isn't one.

(This next bit is obviously the part I'm going to hell for. I know.) makes me think that this is not the best mental parallel the manufacturers should be drawing for a product that has anything to do with breast cancer treatment. It's an unfortunate metaphor, I think.

Maybe it's just me. I DO have a pretty twisted mind.

Anyway. On to more news in my world of beverage choices.

I tried Coca Cola Blak this week. Now, for those of you who are unfamiliar, Blak is the new "Carbonated Fusion Beverage" that Coca Cola is currently marketing. It's like Coke and coffee mixed together. Now, THAT just sounds so gross to me, that I swore I wasn't going to try it.

But there was a 2 for 1 sale on the stuff, and I figured "what harm could it possibly do? It's JUST a beverage." Plus, it came in a nifty little glass bottle that I thought was ADORABLE.

I was thirsty, so I cracked one of the bottles open in the parking lot. When I lifted the cap, a cloud of vapor rose out of the bottle, as if there was dry ice inside. It was like something out of a commercial. I even briefly looked around to see if Adrian Brody was walking around nearby. The whole atmosphere inspired me to have the courage to take a sip.

For a split second, I recall thinking "Hmm. This isn't quite as bad as I thought it would..."

And before my brain could form the word "BE," the whole taste shone through.

At that point I was torn between wanting to throw up on the pavement and wanting to throw myself in front of the first vehicle to come my way.

It is the foulest tasting drink I have ever had. This even beats out the chocolate martini I had in Seattle that made me wish I had never been born.

If you're thinking of buying a bottle of the stuff, save yourself the money. I have a recipe here that will recreate the exact flavor precisely.

  • First, open a can of Coke. Leave it out in a warm place, overnight
  • After you make your morning coffee, save the grounds
  • Pour the grounds on the floor, and stomp on them. The dirtier your shoes are, the better
  • Melt a couple of those cheap nasty caramel candies in the microwave
  • Mix the old warm Coke, the dirty coffee grounds, and the cheap nasty caramel in a glass
  • Stir
  • Enjoy
I couldn't believe how bad it was, so I took it to my mom. I only had her SMELL it, and her judgment was "Oh my god, that's like death in a bottle!"

And, in non-beverage news, I cut the top of my foot on a raspberry branch the other day.

It's not a particularly bad, or deep, scratch. But I think it may have damaged a nerve. I suspect that the nerve in question is the one responsible for telling my brain "there's a spider crawling up your middle toe!" Because now, for some reason, it feels like there's a spider crawling up my middle toe ALL THE TIME. I'm learning to ignore it, but now I worry that when and if the time comes that there is an actual spider crawling up my middle toe, it will be like the boy who cried wolf.

Except that it will be the nerve who cried spider.


Blogger Ian McGibboney said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

April 20, 2006 10:54 AM  
Blogger Ian McGibboney said...

Coke and coffee together? That IS death in a bottle. The only way that could be less appealing to me is if it also contained milk, beer and mayonnaise. And really, do we NEED the liquid equivalent of Vivarin available to America's youth?

When I first saw your Nalgene, my first impression was, "Wow, did Jones take up pot?"

As for your foot, that scratch is actually kind of cute. It's your big toe I worry about. But then, I always worry about toes.

[Edited for embarrassing spelling error]

April 20, 2006 10:55 AM  
Blogger Flamingo Jones said...

Only pot smokers drink water now?

I didn't get that memo.

April 20, 2006 10:18 PM  
Blogger Flamingo Jones said...

Oh...AND if you think my foot scratch is "cute," you're kind of sick and twisted. I mean that in the nicest way possible.

April 20, 2006 10:28 PM  
Blogger Ian McGibboney said...

Didn't you hear about only pot smokers drinking water? It's the latest official stereotype! Got the fax straight from Washington.

Actually, I've always though Nalgenes looked like bongs. That's what I meant.

April 21, 2006 10:33 AM  

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