Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Because I'm sadistic, twisted and egotistical...

Here are a few of the several dozen haiku I wrote today (er...yesterday, I guess). I'll put my favorite one first so you actually read it, because I imagine the odds of anyone making it through a whole post of haiku are pretty, pretty slim.

Harriet Miers
says Bush is a brilliant man.
But she is no judge.

Analogy fun:
If FEMA was a birdy,
it'd be an ostrich.

Bath-time is no chore.
I am easily amused:
bubbles make me glad.

Fuck. Where are my shoes?
They're not where I remember.
Where are my shoes? Fuck.

Painted the bathroom.
The ceiling still looks like crap.
My knee's sore for naught.

Kids are loud and mean.
But I pretend to like them.
Fourteen bucks an hour.

Small Capitalists
like to play Monopoly.
I like Candy Land.

And the last one goes with this photo I took at work a while ago.



Building number three.
Home to a sleepy green frog.
4's too angular.

46 Comments:

Blogger Ian McGibboney said...

You have some issues
With self-esteem in terms of
Haiku competence

Your first is my fave
Because I like anything
Done satirical

Saints versus Packers
Only one can win. But who?
Packers don't know how! :)

October 05, 2005 9:41 AM  
Blogger Phillip said...

i usually hate reading others' poetry because i think 99.9% of all poetry sucks (especially blog-posted poetry - gag unto me with a spoon), but i like haikus. they're condusive to my short attention span.

this is my all-time favorite. i don't know who wrote it:

i have no haiku.
shit, bitch, cunt, dick, ass, damn, hell
fuck you, now i do.

October 05, 2005 10:47 AM  
Blogger Flamingo Jones said...

Ian:

After first snowfall,
Lambeau Field is mighty cold.
Saints ready for that?

Phillip:

I like that one too.
Profanity's always fun.
Poetic Tourette's.

October 05, 2005 1:53 PM  
Blogger Ian McGibboney said...

Jones:

Lambeau Field is cold?
Well let me get my coat then.
Our field's blown apart!

Think the Saints will lose?
Remember the Alamo
Dome. The Bills sure do!

The Packers-Saints game
Is a game for the ages.
Brett Favre? A geezer!

October 05, 2005 8:09 PM  
Blogger Flamingo Jones said...

Haiku is great fun.
I could do this all damn day.
I never get tired.

You should get your coat.
It doesn't smell like dead things
Here in Wisconsin.

"Brett Favre's a geezer"?
You should bite your tongue, Ian.
Lest God smite you dead.

Hurricane's bad news.
But Saints get no sympathy.
At least they've won some.

The Pack's not out yet.
They have to kick someone's ass...
might as well be yours.

October 05, 2005 8:44 PM  
Blogger Ian McGibboney said...

The Packers once won
Super Bowl games I and II
Is that old team back?

This year's Packers win
The Lombardi Atrophy
And not much else

Louisiana,
What on earth is that bad stench?
Why, it's stinky cheese!

Brett Favre had good sense
To move from Mississippi
But sense to quit? Nope

It takes some talent
To start at zero and five
But not the good kind

Green Bay is quite cold
The Saints don't like it that much
Might as well win, then!

October 05, 2005 9:07 PM  
Blogger Flamingo Jones said...

What? Zero and five?
Only in your dreams my friend,
after this Sunday.

Brett Favre has not quit
because he knows there are games
left for him to win.

You have some tough talk.
That's easy from Lafayette.
Say it to my face!

Pack fans don't lose faith.
Even when we're oh-and-four.
Resurrection's nigh!

Calm poetry form,
used for trash-talking football
makes the Buddha laugh.

October 05, 2005 9:23 PM  
Blogger Flamingo Jones said...

Between you and I
we have twenty-three haiku
about Sunday's game.

October 05, 2005 9:33 PM  
Blogger Ian McGibboney said...

0-5 really sucks
Whether it be the year or
The Pack's next tally.

Brett Favre can play ball
But "Something About Mary?"
His cameo sucked!

Look who's talking trash!
I'm surprised your lips can move
Up in Tundra Bay.

Wisconsin is great
The state is certified blue
After the game too!

How are Packers good?
They have a long legacy
Gotta end sometime!

Twenty-nine haikus
About this Sunday's matchup
Thirty when we win!

October 05, 2005 9:46 PM  
Blogger Flamingo Jones said...

Hey! We can agree!
Brett fumbled his cameo.
But that ain't football.

Wimpy Fleur-de-lis
is no foe for bold-face "G."
Symbols go to war.

The cold is our friend.
We play better with frost-bite.
Can you say the same?

You just hold a grudge
'cuz Favre pretends he's Cajun.
Hey, let it go, man!

And you're just jealous
'cuz you have no hat of cheese,
but I could send one.

October 05, 2005 9:58 PM  
Blogger Ian McGibboney said...

Steve Young rejected
Brett Favre's role because he thought
It was beneath him.

Brett Favre is too old
To be playing pro football
Did Bart Starr start last?

At least the Saints name
Is holy, unlike Packers
Which is anal sex!

You might have the edge
When the weather is cold, but
We're too smart to freeze.

I don't want your hat
Cheese is good, but hard to wear
When it has been creamed!

October 05, 2005 10:08 PM  
Blogger Flamingo Jones said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

October 05, 2005 11:23 PM  
Blogger Flamingo Jones said...

(Last comment deleted for a sloppy six-syllable line.)

It's too good for you,
this hat of cheese. It's Cheddar.
Sharp. Like my haiku.

The Saints have no hats.
Unless they are made of shrimp
or crawfish. Ew. Gross.

I am so confused.
Can atheists cheer for Saints?
You blasphemer, you.

Packers' a fine name.
Hey, any kind of Favre sex:
A-OK with me.

I can't wait to see
what happens when the Saints lose.
Will you weep, Ian?

Rabid Packer fans,
tail-gate in Lambeau's lot
anxious for your loss.

I dominate you
at the football-haiku art.
Eat my dust, Saints fan.

October 05, 2005 11:28 PM  
Blogger Ian McGibboney said...

It's a good thing you
Have me to read your haiku
For right syllables

Cheddar is sharp, yes,
Like former Packer Sterling.
Don't you miss his ass?

In 1980
Saints fans wore "Aints" paper bags
They don't need them now!

Laugh with the sinners
Or cry with the Saints? Hell no!
No crying this weekend!

Have sex with Brett please!
Just watch him fumble his balls
Oh, senility!

Packer tailgates rule!
Ah, sausage! Ah, cheese! Ah, beer!
Suck my sauerkraut!

October 05, 2005 11:44 PM  
Blogger Flamingo Jones said...

I can't suck your kraut.
I'll be too busy with Favre.
No, you cannot watch.

Sterling was quite good.
We all miss him dearly, yes.
We'll still kick your ass.

You'll need them again:
I have bags and a Sharpie
you can borrow, son.

Recall Gilbert Brown?
A gigantic fella, him.
A UL alum?

I hope all your plays
get flags of a yellow hue.
Penalties galore!

October 06, 2005 12:01 AM  
Blogger Ian McGibboney said...

Saints fans don't need bags
Because the D will have sacks
On your boyfriend Favre

Gilbert Brown? UL?
You must have your wires crossed.
He went to Kansas!

Saints are known for flags.
Coach Haslett likes to argue.
But last week? They won!

Aaron Brooks was there
A Packer in '99
Now he's back to win!

October 06, 2005 12:10 AM  
Blogger Flamingo Jones said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

October 06, 2005 12:23 AM  
Blogger Flamingo Jones said...

The ghost of Curly
Lambeau will haunt your team.
Ghosts hate Saints, you know.

This game's divisive.
I hope you'll still by my friend,
after this great loss.

The Saints should prepare.
I hope your punter's practiced...
He'll see some field time.

How many haiku
can we pile up here before
the Saints lose Sunday?

October 06, 2005 12:28 AM  
Blogger Ian McGibboney said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

October 06, 2005 12:30 AM  
Blogger Ian McGibboney said...

Lambeau, Lombardi,
Reggie White. They must channel
Patrick Swayze now!

Be my friend? Of course!
You'll need me to console you
In your time of loss.

Our punter's ready
Just like the rest of our team.
Prepare crying rags!
{Last line edited for syllables)

We can pile many
Haiku before the Saints lose
That will take some weeks.

October 06, 2005 12:37 AM  
Blogger Flamingo Jones said...

This game will prove
which one of us God hates more,
Sarah or Ian.

In case the Saints lose,
there should be friendly wagers.
What will you give me?

On Sunday, you'll feel
the agony of defeat.
I will celebrate.

Yes, pack crying rags.
Your team will need them for their
losers' crying jags.

Haiku is harder
in the morning when my brain
is still so asleep.

October 06, 2005 8:44 AM  
Blogger Ian McGibboney said...

Denis Leary said,
"God? A fucking Packers fan!"
I want to not nod.

If the Saints do lose,
I shall give you my new car.
Because there's no chance.

The Sunday comics
Will serve you well afterwards
To cope with the loss.

Hey Flamingo Jones,
If you're such a football fan,
Why depress yourself?

How many Packers
Does it take to screw a bulb?
None! It's way too hard!

The Green Bay Packers
Are nothing without Brett Favre
And also WITH him!

October 06, 2005 10:29 AM  
Blogger Flamingo Jones said...

How many Saints then,
to screw bulbs? None. No
electricty.

Lots of First and Tens
for us, down to the endzone.
So many touch-downs!

My Green and Gold clothes
are much happier than your
Black and gold ones.

"You Gotta Have Faith"
is your team's motto. We don't
need Faith. We have Favre.

Leinenkugel's beer
tastes better than Abita.
Good football AND beer!

October 06, 2005 10:54 AM  
Blogger jenny said...

wow. how do you guys do it? *astonished*

October 06, 2005 11:52 AM  
Blogger Ian McGibboney said...

Jenny, I don't know
How we do what we do here.
I'd rather not know.

How many light bulbs
Can Brett Favre screw? Only one.
Then his manhood bleeds.

Green Bay hopes for wins,
Which is a tall order when
Your points come in threes.

Your clothes are happy.
Meanwhile Saints fans are happy;
Colors don't make wins.

Polish? Kielbasa?
Hide it all you want but you
sure know your sausage!

Packers...that rhymes with
Slackers, which only makes sense
Given their gameplay!

October 06, 2005 10:33 PM  
Blogger Flamingo Jones said...

I've watched four losses.
A win will come next, I know.
They can't lose them all.

Saints winning the 'Bowl
could be a Disney movie.
Not reality.

To wear Green and Gold:
Ev'ry college players dream.
Not New Orleans Saints.

Please don't bet a car.
A risky proposition.
You'd be walking then.

The football haiku
keep adding up, soon we'll have
a hundred or more.

October 06, 2005 10:39 PM  
Blogger Ian McGibboney said...

Not go 0-16?
That seems so easy even
Green Bay could do it!

Most Disney movies
Are fantasy, this is true.
"Miracle" was not!

Brett Favre dreamed of Pack
But come on! Southern Miss makes
Me like Green Bay too!

I don't have a car
That's the point. Just like you don't
Have a chance to win.

I love haiku sprees
They're a great avenue for
Waiting for Saints win!

October 06, 2005 10:51 PM  
Blogger Flamingo Jones said...

"Miracle," Ian?
Don't make me laugh. Saints on skates
is a funny thought.

You're quite confident
in abilities of Saints
who lost to Vikings.

You amuse me so,
with your haiku bravado.
Beware: False hope stings.

Too bad we can't watch
Sunday's game in the same room.
I could see you mad.

Not if, WHEN Saints lose
you should wear a cheesehead hat
grocery shopping.

October 06, 2005 11:18 PM  
Blogger Ian McGibboney said...

Saints on ice may be
Funny, but the Packers are
Totally frigid

You're quite confident
In Packer abilities.
They lose to all teams.

My haiku wisdom
Is parceled out to you so
You can lose in peace.

Stop with the room talk!
You just want to be in here
Watching my boys score.

Your grocery trip
Should consist of crow for you
To eat Sunday night!

October 06, 2005 11:25 PM  
Blogger Flamingo Jones said...

I won't be eating
crow this week. But I'll save you
some vic'try cheese though.

Talking trash, Ian?
"You have a dirty whorish
mouth" says Anchor Ron.

Don't kid yourself, man.
Accept that your team will lose.
That should be easy.

Speaking of "Easy"
How is your mama doing?
Do say "hi" for me.

I do like Bouman
because he left the Vikings.
But that's about it.

Tho' he doesn't start,
so I don't think that counts. But
I'll throw you that bone.

October 06, 2005 11:50 PM  
Blogger Ian McGibboney said...

Ron Burgundy said
An all-sport network would fail
Kinda like Green Bay!

New Orleans' nickname is
The Big Easy. Exactly
How the Saints will score.

The Big Easy. Hey!
That's what they call yo mama
At the free clinic.

No need to throw me
Any bones. I'm a Saints fan.
My bone? Big Enough!

I like Brooks for the
Reason you like our backup.
He left a bad team.

October 07, 2005 12:02 AM  
Blogger Flamingo Jones said...

Aaron Brooks was just
second fiddle to Brett Favre.
Never got to play!

Green Bay IS frigid,
but that's OK. Because, hey!
We're 'bove sea-level!

I'll almost feel bad
when Packers humiliate
your team. Just almost.

Take the ball from Saints
or take candy from babies.
They are the same thing.

You're lucky we have
many injuries right now,
or you'd lose much worse.

October 07, 2005 12:14 AM  
Blogger Ian McGibboney said...

Brett Favre is the man
In Green Bay. But it takes a
Whole team to win games!

Green Bay is up high
Safe from the Great Lakes' wrath, but
Still a Great Mistake

You want turnovers?
Then go to the bakery.
Saints quit doing that.

Packers have DL
A mile wide. But what hurts most
Is the Green Bay pride.

There is a reason
Why Vikes and Lions flank you.
Mediocrity.

October 07, 2005 12:24 AM  
Blogger Flamingo Jones said...

Bite your tongue, Ian!
I'd never let a Viking
"flank" me! Disgusting!

You could not make it
One day here in Wisconsin
Cold's too much for you.

I have a question:
How will Saints communicate?
We don't say "y'all" here.

OK, that last one
was inspired by Mitch Hedberg
talking in my ears.

October 07, 2005 1:13 AM  
Blogger Ian McGibboney said...

The game Othello
Is won by outflanking. You
Flamingo, lose big!

One year down here is
An eternity. That is,
Until wintertime!

I don't see how the
Packers can communicate
With that accent. Jeez!

Mitch Hedberg may be
Talking to you, but he should
Teach you syllables!

October 07, 2005 1:21 AM  
Blogger Flamingo Jones said...

My accent is nice!
I'd rather sound like Keillor
than Jeff Foxworthy.

Mitch Hedberg would speak
the same way I do. He's from
Minnesota. Duh.

Brett Favre sounds better
now that he's been away from
the South. Take note, bud.

The Saints v. Packers
is sure to be a great game.
Since my team will win.

October 07, 2005 1:36 AM  
Blogger Ian McGibboney said...

Whats with the accents?
I don't have one, yet you do.
Learn how to talk, Jones!

"Minnesota," when
Spoken by you, is its own
Complete haiku line

Brett Favre might sound good
These days but he's still a chaw-
Chewing country boy.

I kid about the
Accents. That isn't football.
It's when the Saints win.

Back to the Packers.
They're the oldest NFL
Team, and play like it.

October 07, 2005 10:47 AM  
Blogger Flamingo Jones said...

Sunday's almost here.
If you listen really hard,
you might hear me cheer.

OK. That was one
really lame haiku, I know.
Rhyming is stupid.

October 08, 2005 12:18 PM  
Blogger Flamingo Jones said...

You've been to Lambeau
only once before this trip.
Guess who won that one?

Hey,Grady Jackson
looks happier in Green Bay.
Look at him smiling!

We're thirteen and five
all-time against your Saints team.
You still confident?

A hungry ball team
is far more dangerous than
a complacent one.

October 08, 2005 12:31 PM  
Blogger Ian McGibboney said...

Until 2000
The Saints trained up in Lacrosse.
We know Wisconsin.

Aaron Brooks smiles too
Since he no longer suffers
From cheesehead syndrome.

13-5 all time?
But the Packers are winless!
What matters is now.

Two and two on road.
You call the Saints complacent?
Watch them ice Green Bay!

October 08, 2005 4:29 PM  
Blogger Flamingo Jones said...

Even Vikings-Fan
Co-Worker Nicole says that
the Packers will win.

Aaron Brooks never
called Green Bay a big "mistake"
like Grady Jackson.

When kick-off time comes,
your team better be prepared.
'Cuz the cheese will roll.

Even if you win,
the only brag you will have:
That you cut the cheese.

Green Bay is awesome.
You know you're a fan deep down.
All the cool kids are.

October 08, 2005 10:14 PM  
Blogger Flamingo Jones said...

All love Wisconsin.
The Chiefs train in River Falls.
This state kicks ass.

Speaking of ass kicks,
makes me think of how Green Bay
will stomp New Orleans.

October 08, 2005 10:27 PM  
Blogger Ian McGibboney said...

Lacrosse was awful
If the Saints actually
Preferred Nicholls State!

Strange how you listen
To Vikings fans when they say
What you want to hear.

Cutting the cheese? Ha!
If the Packers beat the Saints
They will go to hell!

Saints fans are real fans
But Pack fans are catching up
Because they suck too!

If (when) the Saints win
It won't be because they're good.
The Packers just suck.

Funny how it takes
You two entries over time
To counter my one.

October 09, 2005 12:50 AM  
Blogger Flamingo Jones said...

Not counter, my friend.
My posts annihilated
your measly four 'ku.

Much like the Packers
will annihilate your team.
Get ready to weep.

The Packers may suck.
That's true. So what does that say
When they beat the Saints

October 09, 2005 9:33 AM  
Blogger Ian McGibboney said...

Ever heard the phrase
Quality, not quantity?
I have lots of both.

If words were power
Your hot air could energize
All the NFL.

Packers versus Saints
It's been said time and again
May the best team win!

October 09, 2005 9:38 AM  
Blogger Flamingo Jones said...

May the best team win:
Nice sentiment, amigo.
I can live with that.

October 09, 2005 9:42 AM  

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