Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Movies I won't see for $500, Alex.

Sometimes I brag about how I get paid to go to movies for work. It is kind of a nice bonus. Occasionally, someone will ask me if there are any movies they couldn't even PAY me to go see. I haven't had any concrete examples until now.

This weekend, I absolutely refused to get paid to watch Scary Movie 4. I actually chose watching NO movie over getting in free and being paid to watch it. I think that says something either about me, or about the Scary Movie Franchise. I just couldn't imagine anything more painful than having to suffer through 2 hours of gross, tired, schtick.

I'm not a comedy snob. I'm really not. I like stupid humor as much as 75% of the next guys. This stuff just gets TOO stupid. It's gross and it's dumb. I don't like things that bring everything down to the lowest common denominator. Wait...maybe that does make me a comedy snob.....oh well.

So, now that I know there IS a theatrical line, across which I will not tread, here are some other upcoming movies that people couldn't pay me to watch.

United 93
I'm not sure why this movie was made. I dislike disaster movies in general. I don't enjoy reliving mass tragedy in a movie theater for entertainment purposes. But 9/11 disaster movies appeal to me even less. Contrary to what genuine ass-hat country singer Darryl Worley believes, I have NOT forgotten what happened on 9/11. I don't need to see it on the big screen. I feel about this kind of the same way I felt about the Passion of the Christ. I don't need to see a 2 hour Jesus-beating to make me understand the Bible. And I don't need to watch flight 93 go down on screen in order to be a good American. I know I'm alone in that. I have no doubt that I'll be alone in that sentiment. I predict that we will flock to this movie in droves. Everyone I know will see it, and they will most likely tell me how fantastic it is, and try to convince me to go to it. But I will resist, so don't even bother, y'all.

I didn't really like the original Poseidon Adventure. And I didn't like Titanic. (See above notation re: disaster flicks). So, I can't imagine I would like this.

Mission Impossible III
No. Way. In. Hell.
Tom Cruise being a creepy, manic, asshole has managed to turn me off this project single-handedly.

Miami Vice
Just looking at Colin Farrell in the previews makes my skin crawl. I can't imagine 2 hours of this.
Monster House
In the past four months, I would guess that I've seen the preview for this movie roughly 25 times. That's about all the time of my life I'm willing to spend on it.

World Trade Center
The Oliver Stone 9/11 offering coming up in August. In spite of Stone, Nic Cage, and Maria Bello, I will be forced to pass on this one as well.

The Omen
The original movie scared the bejeezus out of me, and I'm just not going through that again.

I think those are the only films that I'm absolutely going to refuse to watch.

In an entirely different vein, there are a few movies that I don't WANT to see/like, but probably will:

The Da Vinci Code
I think I was the only person in the world who thought the book, while sort of entertaining, was wildly over-rated. And Tom Hank's hair scares me almost as much as The Omen. But I'll go see it anyway. Because I like non-disaster related controversy and Audrey Tautou.

A Prairie Home Companion
I cannot believe that Lindsay Lohan was cast in this film. That alone nearly ruined the anticipation for me. But my love for Robert Altman, Garrison Keillor and the real PHC will win out.

The Break-Up
I don't really like Jennifer Aniston. Especially after being completely grossed out and disturbed by the ickiness of Rumor Has It. And I'm not sure how I feel about the whole Aniston/Vince Vaughn thing. So, I'm not that excited about this movie. But if the Old 97's are performing in the movie, I'll be there. Probably 3 or 4 times. At least.

Lady in the Water
I'm not sure I trust M. Night Shyamalon anymore. And Paul Giamatti irritates me, I'm sorry. But I'm sure I'll see this one anyway.

Most of the other summer releases I'd be willing to see for free. Hell, I'll even pay good money to see most of them.


Blogger Michelle said...

I'm just not sure how anyone can take Tom Cruise seriously at this point. I mean, I realize that we never could before, but now that we know he can leave his corporeal body, it's hard not to be even more cynical.

And I've always loved the Scary Movie trailers, but have found myself totally insulted by the movies. Which makes me think they should just do trailers. We'd all save a lot of time and money that way.

April 26, 2006 12:22 AM  
Blogger Nick said...

I really want to go see the new Larry the Cable Guy movie. The guy is funny as hell. A movie starring his redneck ass has got to be worth $7/ticket.

April 26, 2006 7:19 PM  
Blogger Flamingo Jones said...

Actually, Nick, I flat-out refused to see THAT movie too. Weeks ago. Since when is a 2 hour movie about farts worth $7?

April 26, 2006 9:25 PM  
Blogger Ian McGibboney said...

The last movie I spent $7 on was Passion of the Christ. And I do mean, it was the LAST time.

April 26, 2006 9:49 PM  
Blogger Nick said...

The Lord of Wars was the last time I spent $7 on a movie ticket, or whatever the price was at that big Lafayette theater. The Passion was the last time before that. I probably will end up waiting until Larry the Cable Guy movie shows up on Comedy Central, as I do w/ most movies.

I guess my humor is immature, but I love Blue Collar Comedy Tour, so here's hoping anything w/ Larry is funny.

April 27, 2006 8:51 AM  
Blogger Ian McGibboney said...

I'm a fan of Jeff Foxworthy, I'll admit. You can tell by his whole act (not just the redneck jokes) that he actually can't stand rednecks, though he plays it off like he's laughing WITH them. The result is that his humor is a little harder-edged than people like Larry the Cable Guy (born in Nebraska), who don't seem to be in on their own jokes.

April 27, 2006 9:42 AM  
Blogger Flamingo Jones said...

I actually like all the blue-collar comedy guys EXCEPT Larry. I think Ron White and Bill Engvall are the best...Foxworthy's kind of played out, in my opinion. But I still like him. Larry the Cable Guy is the only one I cannot stand. I think he's gross and offensive.

April 27, 2006 9:58 AM  
Blogger Nick said...

My fiance loves Ron White and calls him her #3 husband, behind Elvin at 2 and your truely at 1. I'm waiting for him to come around here again so I can get us tickets to his show.

I like all 4 of the guys and appreciate all of their humor.

April 27, 2006 12:16 PM  
Blogger Norma said...

Hi...just found you by chance using the "next blog" arrow (handy little thing, innit?) -- anyhow, I agree WHOLEHEARTEDLY that The DaVinci Code was an incredibly overrated book. I just finally read it (figured a $5 paperback was worth the risk) and I reviewed it a couple of weeks ago on my blog, if you want to check it out. Nice work here; I like your writing and the link to Bill Frist's petition was...priceless! : )

May 01, 2006 4:18 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home