Congratu-fucking-lations.

Sounds cynical. I know. But I just got done working a 14 hour shift, and I'm a wee bit cranky. Sue me.

This morning I woke up to a text message from my last single college friend, announcing that she had gotten engaged on the beach in Florida the previous night. What the hell she was doing in Florida, I don't know. But the idea that her Republican boyfriend flew them there specifically for the purpose of engagement is not entirely out of the question.

Now, all of my college friends are currently sort of annoying and pissing me off, so I've been limiting my interaction with them. And I'm basically of the opinion that they all decided to get married simply to make me buy them presents or give them money. Which annoys and pisses me off even further. So, my first instinct was to completely ignore the announcement, and never acknowledge it at all. I'm really good at that. Not to return any text messages. To hit "Ignore" on my cell phone when her number pops up on caller ID. Erase any and all voicemails unheard. Accidentally on purpose forget to even return my RSVP. Be conveniently busy for all shower/ bachelorette party/wedding dates. And under NO circumstances purchase a present or write a check to them.

But then I got to thinking....and I had a simple, yet brilliant, thought.

I WILL acknowledge the announcement. And I will write a check.

To charity.

I will make a charitable donation in their names, and that shall be my wedding gift to them.

My reasons are three-fold:

1) I like to give to charity, and this is a great excuse to do so.

2) Being as THEY are republican (and kind of cheap), I can almost guarantee that this will be the ONLY donation EVER made to charity in their names. (I do not count the NRA or RNC as charitable organizations)

3.) Knowing them, this will piss them off. It will piss them off REALLY bad. Like, won't-talk-to-me-anymore pissed off. And the thought that someone would get so blindingly pissed off because one of their friends gave money to help starving children in third world countries, instead of giving them cash they can spend on being materialistic, intrigues me. It's almost like a test (granted, one I'm almost certain they'll fail) to see what they're really made of.

I haven't decided on whether I'll deliver the card and donation notice to them in person at the wedding, or not. I hate weddings. They freak me out. But, this one may be worth it. We'll see.

Friday Random Ten

The "Still Sort of on the Soapbox" Edition

1. Mercury--The Clarks
2. Let the Idiot Speak--The Old 97's
3. Why Can't This Be Love --The Molly Ringwalds (live at the Varsity)
4. We Will Become Silhouettes--The Shins
5. Broken--Ellis
6. Get Yourself Together--Tahiti 80
7. Should I Stay or Should I Go--Gene Serene
8. Wildwood Flower--Reese Witherspoon
9. The Weight of the World--Her Space Holiday
10. Mean Man--The Detroit Cobras

And "Mean Man" is very fitting and makes me think of the Governor of South Dakota, Mike Rounds.

Mike Rounds has this to say about South Dakota:

In every decision we make and in every policy we develop, we are committed to protecting those who cannot protect themselves... the very young and the very old. We will protect our communities from those who wish to do us harm; and we will provide our children with a quality education, because they are our future. We will work every day to make South Dakota a model of diversity, excellence and creativity for the rest of the country to emulate.

We look forward to working with communities, large and small, to energize ideas for economic development, tourism and the quality of life issues that make this the greatest state in the nation.

We hope you'll join us on this journey as we write a new chapter in South Dakota's history. Working together, we'll make South Dakota an even better place to live.

Hmm. That somehow just doesn't ring true for me.

Mike Rounds can be contacted:

Gov. Mike Rounds
State Capitol
500 E. Capitol Ave.
Pierre, SD 57501
605-773-3212
http://www.state.sd.us/governor

Misogyny: Variations on a Theme

I actually had a really lengthy post all ready to go earlier this week, until blogger ate it. So, bits of this were actually part of that, reincarnated.


Another Skeezy Frey Guy

The Frey in question is being charged for attempting to kidnap his own wife. However, this should have come as no surprise to anyone involved, when you take a look at the creepy-as-hell marriage contract he had drawn up for his lucky lady. This is one sick and crazy mofo, I tell ya. You'll have to follow that link to read the whole thing, because there's very little of it I'm comfortable re-posting here.

MY TIME

Whenever we are at home and alone as a family, from when you are to be naked until 12:00am, or for three hours, which ever is later, will be My Time. This time will be time you will devout [sic] soley [sic again] to me, whereas you will be in my service to do anything and everything I want, which may be or may not be sexual in manner [sick]...

It gets a lot worse than that. And as sick as he is, I'm most worried about what kind of a woman ties up with this guy? Whoever she is, I just want to shake some self-esteem into her.

Moving on.

A Half-Baked Idea from the Man Who Brought Us Domino's Pizza

Tom Monaghan, founder of Domino's Pizza, is using his vast wealth and influence to build his own Catholic-themed city, apparently for the main purpose of being able to ban the future city's pharmacists from providing contraceptives to women. He has enough money to buy and sell just about anyone or anything, and he wants to use that power to nix birth-control. Please. Can't you come up with something better than THAT? I mean, if I was going to build my own city for the sole purpose of micromanaging the lives of others, I'd make it worth my while. Honestly, Pseudo-Christian Misogyny is soooo passe nowadays.

Think of the possibilities: Hop-to-Work-or-Go-to-Jail Wednesdays. 3 Lawn Flamingos Minimums. Daily Sno-Cone and Nap breaks. AND, thanks to mandatory dress-codes, I could single-handedly revive the HyperColor phenomenon.

But no. He's going in a different direction. Small-potatoes misogynists draw up crazy controlling marriage contracts. Pizza mogul misogynists just build their own cities.

Next.

South Dakota Makes Flamingo's Head Explode

And yesterday, South Dakota's Senate passed a bill banning abortion. BANNING abortion. They threw the women a bone, and included a measure to allow an abortion if the mother's life is at stake. But if you get pregnant from rape or incest, you're out of luck. THAT amendment failed 21-14. Maybe that will teach you not to dress so trashy, you little hussy.

Seriously, this blows my mind. And the part of the story than eradicates the meatiest chunks of my brain is the fact that the sponsor of the bill is a woman who happens to be a Democrat.

The bill will no doubt be signed into law by the Republican Governor. As soon as that happens, the court battles regarding the law's constitutionality will begin. The ultimate goal (I mean besides controlling women and their bodies)? Force the case to the U.S. Supreme Court, and let Bush's court take on the Roe v. Wade decision.

That's a scary thought.

I don't like abortion. Nobody does. I agree with the Clinton mantra of "Rare, Safe and Legal." And I believe that a majority of Americans feel that way, deep down.

And the thing is, I do not believe that ending abortion is the big picture here. If ending abortion were all this was about, you would see these same groups of activists and politicians doing something about the social pressures that are the root cause of increased need for abortions.

You would see them doing something about the poverty/homeless/jobless rates.
You would not see them fighting sex education in schools.
You would see them advocating self-esteem and empowerment courses for girls and young women, so they understand that they are their own people, and they do not have to hand over either their bodies or their decision-making capabilities to the first creep who hands them a marriage contract.
You would NOT see them building cities for the express purpose of eliminating birth-control.

If this were all about protecting babies and giving all children an equal chance at life, they would be fighting for pre-natal care for all mothers, regardless of income, and free health and dental care for all children, no matter what tax bracket they're born into.
They would be fighting for equal rights for all those babies who are born female, or with a skin color other than lilly-white, or (god-forbid) gay.
They would be fighting to protect the environment that these children are being born into.

But that's not what they're fighting for. They are fighting for the legal ability to tell a woman what she can and cannot do with her body. That's what all of these things boil down to. Whether it's the creep dictating how much pubic hair his wife is allowed to have, or Tom Monaghan salivating at the thought of mandating what prescriptions women may fill at the pharmacy, or the Great State of South Dakota itching to deny women who have been raped the ability to make the most intimate, personal and grave decision of all, it all comes back to exerting control over women.

For what? Is it a turn-on? Does it make the men feel more powerful and manly? Does it make them feel closer to God, or Heaven, or immortality? Does it compensate for small penises? What? I seriously would like to know. I think they owe us that much. If I'm going to live my life in a world like this, at least tell me why.

And I don't even know where to begin with questions for Julie Bartling, sponsor of the South Dakota bill. Does she think this will win her a spot at their table? It won't. In the morning, she's still going to be a woman. Welcome to the club.

If anyone can make sense of it all, let me know.

Oil Slick

You know, people used to talk about Bill Clinton and call him "slick" because he could get out of any number of scrapes using his charm.

True enough...but then what do you say about THIS administration?

Dick "Go Fuck Yourself" Cheney shoots a guy in the face...

and the victim says HE's sorry for the trouble he's caused Cheney.

Holy crap. Just think about that one for a minute.

And Cheney's not even charming.
or attractive.
or a saxophone player.
or pleasant in the least, really.

What gives?

Random Ten

The "Day Late, Dollar Short" Edition

1. Woman Like a Man (Live, Unplugged)--Damien Rice
2. Tornadoes--Drive-By Truckers
3. Bruised--The Bens
4. Tigers Above, Tigers Below--Ellis
5. Somewhere in Ohio--The Jayhawks
6. Drunk Medicine--Sons & Daughters
7. Mean Man--The Detroit Cobras
8. Multitude of Casualties--The Hold Steady
9. Down and Out--Suffrajett
10. Bent--Viva Voce

I think I need a new weekend posting ritual....I'm getting bored with just Friday (or Saturday) random music lists. Maybe I'll take random photographs or something. Suggestions are welcome. A photo scavenger hunt would be fun....but someone'd have to give me a list of things to take pictures of.

Random thought

Special Edition Chocolate Lucky Charms cereal is SO good that it should just be called Regular Lucky Charms cereal, and the other stuff should be "Special Edition Not Chocolate Lucky Charms" cereal.

That is all.

A last-minute Valentine's Day thought...

Seeing as how there are 11 minutes left of this "holiday," and as how I just rewatched Lord of War tonight, I thought it would be fitting to reiterate the fact that:

Diamonds are evil.

And they're not OK, even if you get one of those "This particular diamond didn't buy guns or result in some kid losing an arm" certificates. You're still creating a demand for the vile things, and it's that perpetual demand that ensures a continued market. Not to mention the fact that we've created an entire society where girls are raised to measure their own self-worth in carats. Barf.


So, that's that. I don't really have anything else to say. Just felt like posting something, and that seemed to do the trick.

Insert Cliche Regarding Laughter and Medicine Here

The weather here sucked tonight, and made the roads horrible to drive on. Do you know WHY the weather here sucked and made the roads horrible to drive on?

Because I had tickets to see Maria Bamford in Minneapolis tonight. And Maria Bamford makes me happy. And when things make me happy, the Universe has a funny way of doing its best to completely screw with that.

And yet, I risked life and limb on icy roadways, and went anyway. Why?

Because I had tickets to see MARIA BAMFORD, dammit. And Maria Bamford makes me happy. And when the Universe tries to thwart that, I have a funny way of blindly ignoring that fact, even when it presents great potential harm to myself.

Driving there sucked so bad, and was so stressful, that I got a gigantic head-ache. To compensate, I kinda sorta overdid it on Excedrin and made myself sick to my stomach.

No matter, though. I had front row seats, and spent an evening a mere 3 feet from Ms. Bamford. She is so brilliant, it's unbelievable. I really feel that she's the most talented female comic touring right now. And she's a native Mid-Westerner. Go figure.

Anyway, I laughed very hard and very long. And that was good. And it was also good to be around other people laughing just as hard. It made me happy.

Suck on THAT, Universe.

2006 is right on track

to be even worse than 2005.

And it's only February.

I can't talk about this too much, because:
a)Confidentiality
b)Minimal details are being released to the public
c)It makes me cry to even think about it

but, a child where I work committed suicide yesterday. I knew him, and I had recently worked with him.

I don't even know what to say about it, other than the fact that what I felt when I found out was singularly the worst feeling I have ever had in my life.

Sorry I haven't blogged in a while....and then when I do, it's THIS. But there it is.

Truth is stranger than fiction.

I get to tour Marine One, the President's helicopter, today. A relative of mine is a pilot for Marine One, and has been since Clinton was in office. He and the helicopter are in Minneapolis today, so the family got an invite to have a little looksee.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't stoked about it.

The most amusing part, to me, are the people going: There's me...and well, you know how I am. There's my uncle, who works for the Democrats in the Minnesota legislature. There's his wife, who was born and raised in Iran. My grandmother's pretty liberal as well. We're about the most unlikely group of people to set foot in Dubya's Presidential Transportation. I have a feeling I'm going to be giggling to myself a lot.

Cameras are allowed....so I'll have some pictures later, most likely.